your elegant gothic perky princess has returned, though not quite so perky today, Whistful has been an emotion i have been familiar with over the holiday season and into this new year. I know I have said i will be writing more, and with enough people kicking my ass to write, i will be. I am writing in the blog today for a couple reasons, one, i have been neglecting two, and the more important reason, someone that was a pillar of my life passed two days ago, into the next phase of her life, and her goddess decided she couldnt wait any longer for her and took her home to be with her. Those familiar and close to me know that i tend to view things differently then most, and view death differently as well. Mum didnt just talk about loving people and caring about people. She showed with her actions. She touched everyone she met, whether it was in little ways or big ways. The ones that didnt understand her and didnt want to, missed out on so much. She was raised xtian but grew more pagan at the end, realizing that the feminine was missing from most judeoxtian religious systems. She celebrated love, celebrated life, and celebrated nature. My sister Kitty wrote an amazingly touching blog about her a few years ago that was just so breathtakingly accurate, and reminded me of some things i tended to forget in the day to day about her. Please read if you would like. I will enclose the link at the bottom of this blogpost. It is a bit of a conundrum, not particularly confusing, but more surreal. Im still experiencing shock, and the care, kindness, and compassion of the ones I am close too and ones that know me, my loved ones and extended family, not biological siblings and family, but something far greater, family by choice and by love, has been a great comfort and soothing in this time, and I love and appreciate all of you more than i can put into words. Even the outpouring of kindness and sincere compassion from some people that took me totally by suprise and would have never expected or thought would even care has added warmth and light in this time.
Nothing can prepare you for moments like these, even if you think you are prepared for anything, you arent because you have no way of experiencing it before. Its easy to mentally and logically go through life, for some people i suppose, being ready for when people are taken away. But that brings its own issues with it, an almost paranoia so to speak of always anticipating someone being taken away, and lessens the experience and life you have with those you love. I have learned to live life with an open hand so to speak, to where you arent grasping and strangling those you hold dear and are beloved to you. I truly believe people come in and out of your life for different reasons, always to add something, whether is apparent or it takes time to figure it out, whether what they added was a result of learning from a negative experience, or a positive one. That way you dont spend your time worrying about losing them, you can truly enjoy and celebrate the time you have with them, without the fear of loss or the other issues that come with relationships and friendships.
Mum celebrated Life and Nature and Love to its fullest. She adopted all of my friends when i was growing up and treated them as her own kids, and she did that as well even after i grew up, always asking how this person or that person was doing, if she heard i was going to see them or had scene them or talked to them recently. She had always believed that people were to be loved and cherished, regardless of what they were, race, gender, beliefs, nationality. She saw that everyone needs to be loved and did so, loving everyone she met or had contact with, without hesitation or reservation. She also loved nature, she grew up on a farm and was fortunate enough to be raised by a father that was a progressive, her father believed in education and enabling his children to make their own decisions, not caring what his community and neighbors though, going his own way with his own beliefs and life. He instilled that in her and its something that never left her. Mum was always planning for the future and working toward the future, even into the end of her time in this mode we all share.
She never met a tree she didnt like or an animal she didnt appreciate. She loved birds and would talk to them, loved flowers and trees, she would walk up to a tree and wrap her arms around it and tell it how beautiful it was. She shared energy with everyone she came into contact with, human and creature and plant. She had no trouble going her own way in the later years of her life, regardless of what others though or said about it. She truly had become her own person, and that person she was, was joy.
She always believed in me, no matter what, and always was supportive, even on things she didnt understand fully, even if she would tease me later when some of them didnt work out as fast as i wanted them to. She loved the hell out of me and I love her back just as much. I am thankful and grateful that she was my mum. I will miss her like hell, that i cant deny, but her purpose in this mode was finished, and she was needed elsewhere. She would always try to help in any way she could those she felt needed it or could use it. She was a big believer in taking care of the earth and celebrating it, and the people on it. This mode has lost a truly special person in my mum. Going through her things and seeing the little things that were just “her”, brings a smile to my face in this time, I think when the cherished and treasured moments far outshine and well outnumber any memories that werent so much, then they will naturally be conscious and easily rise to the surface of our thoughts. When i see my mum in my mind, i see Joy and Light and Love, with a sparkle in her eyes and a big cheery smile on her face. I think i will always see her that way, no matter how much time passes. And i think when she does get to come visit, she will always feel the warmth and love i have for her and always will. It still doesnt seem real, though its slowly sinking in. I am proud and grateful for the impact she had on my life and the fact that such a beautiful and loving person was my mum. She helped give me the environment and encouragement and believe to become the perky elegant gothic princess you all know today. I will miss her like hell, but i celebrate her life, and the memories she gave me and others, and the effect she had on our lives, in ways she knew and ways she didnt.
To my mum, Ruth, Thank you for being my mum, for always believing in me and loving me and for letting me be your best friend. I loved you like hell and did my best to show you. Thank you for the time i got with you and the time those that had the pleasure of knowing you or getting to meet you got. You wil always bring joy and love, even now that you have been summoned to a greater purpose. I love you like hell and will miss your presence and you like hell. At the end of the day, all i can do is believe i showed you how much i appreciated you and cared about you, in a way that you never doubted, and that is something i believe that i did, deep in my being, I will keep on pursuing and working towards what i have been striving to accomplish, and will, because i know that you still believe in me and know i can accomplish everything i want and plan to do. I will always remember how much of a part of my success you are and will always be.
Your loving daughter,
PS: here is what my sister Kitty wrote about our mum that i promised to link http://walkingtowardscompassionslowly.blogspot.co.uk/2012/01/small-step-to-begin-with.html